I was sitting on the side of the road to check out Google Maps for directions. After I finally think I’ve got them committed to memory, I close the app only to discover I still can’t remember the directions. I go back on to Google maps to try again. After several cycles of this routine, I have it! As I’m riding down the road, I get to thinking about the science of memory. Things like at what point does short-term memory become long-term memory? Haven’t you ever wondered about that?
So, my mind goes to work. Here’s a tongue in cheek glimpse of that process and the results.
Have you ever considered memory loss as the new medical treatment that’s sweeping the globe? Whaaat you may ask. Let’s say there was a new medical movement called Make Amnesia Great Again (MAGA). Here’s how it might work. At Amnesia House of America, we have decided to embrace Alzheimer’s and other neurocognitive diseases, in the way that scientist look at extraordinary claims but with the glassy-eyed hope that it is true if we believe hard enough. Much like Socialism.
It’s like taking a page out of nature’s book, the one that’s brutal and has trouble with English. But with MAGA’s help, maybe we can fold that page into a paper airplane or a snowflake to impress your friends. When you see the snowflake you will say, You’re denying your problems exist again, aren’t you? Why, yes, yes I am.
The treatment is all about taking perceived negatives and transforming them into positives. Let’s take dandelions in your lawn. MAGA no longer considers them weeds if you think they belong there. And as they take
over the rest of your yard, it’s like, Hey, that’s totally cool. It’s all natural, man.
The MAGA movement likes to call it alternative science, which is like normal science but with herbal tea extract, Krishna, and a bottle of rum. So, maybe we did conduct our clinical trials in a high school science lab. And sure, perhaps they didn’t all go so well, and yeah, maybe Johnny is still missing. The point is that he seemed far too happy for someone with that many needles in him.
Whatever. The point is that the most potent antidote to your problems is to forget they exist, Who are the happiest people in the world? Retirees. Not remembering what happened for the first thirty years of their lives, suddenly losing your car keys, playing bingo and forgetting to put on your favorite underwear sounds really great, right?
MAGA takes retirees, happiness, memory loss, the movie Memento—and combines them to form our new age treatment. We at MAGA firmly believe that science is far better when the parts that don’t make sense are made up. We know we’re right when words like correlation, causation, sound hypotheses, and basic science are used. Using a laboratory-tested brick, we hit your cerebral cortex until you lose most of your early childhood memories or forget you hate your husband or wife.
Now you might be thinking – ‘ Should I pay someone to hit me in the head with a brick? And that part about old people and happiness. I’m not buying it. Sounds way too much like a crazy scheme to steal my money.’ Well… yes, there’s lots of alcohol involved. The basic procedure involves lots of drinking until your short-term memory looks like an omelet in a frying pan.
Okay. Let’s try a different approach to explain it. Suppose you’ve had this “surgery,” and it “worked.” no longer remembering anyone or anything up to fifteen minutes ago. Simple things like eating, sleeping, rediscovering how much you like Krispy Kreme donuts, and staring at a television that’s turned off, are now your life, and you are content.
Forgiveness can be as hard as calling the Department of Human Health Services to apply for food stamps, but THE solution is amnesia! Can’t get past issues? It’s simple when you don’t have any memory of them. No longer will problems with family, politics, climate change, your mortgage, your co-workers, dental cleanings, and Steve. Nirvana has never been so easy.
Sure, some of you “haters” may say that personal growth is impossible without forgiveness, or our lives would be filled trying to remember whether we’d left the burner on back home without memory. Well, people with Alzheimer’s don’t have memory loss problems; it’s the people without Alzheimer’s that do. No one would have a problem if everyone had Alzheimer’s. Wow, you say. Thank you for showing me the path of reason.
You’re welcome. So, what do you say to a lifetime of asking directions and then happily driving around your block for the rest of the day? How about getting the rush of seeing The Matrix Trilogy for the first time again and again? Forgetfulness, like magic beans, change your world. At Make Amnesia Great Again, we only offer you the beans.
Man, scary isn’t it. Well, when riding my bike for hours on end, my gray matter comes up with some interesting things. All kidding aside, Alzheimer disease affects millions of people. I can only hope one day this horrible disease will be a thing of the past.
-Rick Hood
