Before I bought my Harley, Bikeless in South Carolina Syndrome would infect me more than people with cancer or modern pop music combined. Symptoms included hanging out at my local Harley Davidson dealership, but not admitting why I was there to hide the embarrassment, making sure no one was watching while taking the last Street Glide brochure, telling everyone I was there for the free brownies, and I don’t have my bike because I rode with my friend who’s looking at motorcycles.

If you have encountered someone with this syndrome, you know what I’m talking about. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO EXPLAIN ITS OK THEY DON’T HAVE A BIKE. This will end with you not being allowed back into their garage for a beer. Not confident in your discernment abilities, just give them this test, and the results should make it clear to you.

What is your least favorite bike color?

  1. Blue
  2. Red
  3. Democracy
  4. Whatever color you chose to paint your house

How much money would it take for you to sell a relative to buy a bike?

  1. It depends
  2. I’ve already done that and would like to do more of it in the future
  3. Human trafficking is wrong—though I’ve thought about it
  4. Twenty dollars in cash. Would also accept a money order.

When there is a person behind you at the parts counter, and they need a part but you’re having an in-depth conversation about your weekend riding journey with the parts guy, do you let them go in front of you?

  1. Yes
  2. No because of the first-come-first-to-say-bug-off-I-was-in-line-first rule
  3. Are they attractive? Because that’s all that matters in a situation like this.
  4. It depends what they’re buying. If they don’t know exactly what they need sort of person, then no. If they brought their new-born baby with them and its screaming loud enough to drown out loud pipes in the parking lot, then YES!

Who would you claim as a superhero if asked?

  1. Robin
  2. An actual robin
  3. The Pillsbury Doughboy
  4. Who’s asking?

If a person was heading toward other than a Harley Davidson dealership and you could save them, but in doing so you would have to sacrifice a very large man by pushing them in front of a UPS truck to stop this tragedy, would you sacrifice the large man?

  1. Yes, but I would feel bad because I murdered someone. I would also be impressed because I could move a man heavy enough to stop this tragedy
  2. And I would still feel bad
  3. If I couldn’t stop him, is it a thing where I could blame on his lifestyle?
  4. How many people are there, and how grateful would they be? Like, lots-of-money grateful or Hallmark-card grateful?

When a cruise liner is sinking, who do you save?

  1. Women, children, and the elderly
  2. As many pastries as can fit in a suitcase
  3. Someone meaty… for when someone on the life raft has to go
  4. What does the question have to do with motorcycles?

Do you have any interest in giving time or money to help others buy their first motorcycle?

  1. Does this question have a trick answer?
  2. I do already.
  3. Yes—but only if someone from AMA bothers me.
  4. Say I see children wearing black vest or like a lady without an arm or something, then maybe.

There you have it. Rick’s identifying Bikeless in South Carolina Syndrome and being a better person for it questionnaire.

Good luck and I’ll see you there!


Read more of Rick’s stories.

Visit our Events page.