I don’t celebrate Halloween or participate in the neighborhood trick-or-treat parade from 6 till 8 o’clock. Susan and I will sit in the back of our house with all the lights out in fear of someone ringing our doorbell. However, for those of you who still celebrate Halloween, BE ON GUARD for the illegal candy smuggling ring this Halloween, aka the “trick or treaters.” No longer is October 31 only a day for children to imitate the life of a desperate moped rider, for the lady who looks like a witch to finally fit in, and for those Harley riders who can finally admit they would rather have a Goldwing.
Do NOT be taken in by children who seem a little old to be in cute costumes with the fairy wings or the adorable two-year-old who’s a dressed biker. Be STRONG, even if he can’t say “Hey man!” right, and it’s his second Halloween, and everything is so new and innocent, and you feel like the world has hope again. Okay, so maybe the biker kid is okay. But everyone else is SUPER DANGEROUS.
Police informants—aka the kid dressed up as a rat—have reported that Little Johnny over there has twenty Three Musketeer bars in his bag he stole from the naïve elderly couple who left out the candy bowl and went to dinner. If we know anything, he has a copy of Ten Tips for Changing Oil in Your Bike and Which is Better, Amsoil or Valvoline?. That’s right little Johnny, we know an AMATEUR mechanic when we see one dressed up like a Harley Davidson technician wearing a white shirt with black stripes.
This is AMERICA, where the doormat could be booby-trapped, so we sidestep it just in case. Nice try Bin Laden. That’s one more for the red, white, and blue. You say “suspicion,” we say, “help me find my Black Street Glide in the parking lot.” And yes, it is okay if your wife rides a Honda Shadow.
Suspicion is the first step to safety. What do the children want from you—candy or your favorite Do Rag? What’s actually in their “bags” anyways? And why does that graduate student keep coming back? The real horror here is not America’s murky position in the Middle East or those poisoned baby seals off the coast of Greenland. Those were MINOR DISCREPANCIES in an otherwise flawless history.
This is all beside the POINT. The “children” coming up to your “door” are demon-crazed spawn controlled by America’s enemies in Operation Forceful Candy Take From You Lots Yes. They, uh, weren’t too good on the whole translation bit.
It begins with their eyes. Gaze into those seemingly endless depths, and your sanity fades like the Democratic Party’s credibility. After, you will feel a soft but firm grip on your forearm and then in a voice of surprisingly deep timbre, “But I believe you’ve forgotten to give me the keys to your Road Glide.”
It doesn’t matter that you don’t have them. It doesn’t matter that if your doctor found out how many Kit-Kats you’ve eaten tonight, he would personally sign your death certificate. It doesn’t matter that you should have washed off the WD-40 from your bike before you took it in for service. You’re in THEIR control now. The rest of your life will be spent as a mole in whatever profession you have—waitress, truck driver, mechanic, bouncy castle inflator—doing whatever it is moles do. Should have paid more attention in third grade.
Intelligence reports have yet to ascertain what the enemies’ overall goal is. Initial reports mention a GIANT GUMMI BEAR and that the Oliver Gospel Mission is giving away king-size candy bars again this year. Stories remain varied as to the scale and threat of the bear, whether it will begin by attacking Lexington or slowly melt in direct sunlight into Lake Murray. All we know is a giant gummy bear may or may not be keeping to the shade in or around Lexington. MAYBE.
What should you do if you find yourself in contact with a trick-or-treater? How do you know if you’re dealing with a moped rider or an unfortunate non-moped rider? If the person has a sign that says, “I am a moped rider,” this means that person may be a moped rider, or they are someone who enjoys impersonating a biker. In either case, it is generally FROWNED UPON to trap the subject in your storage shed until he or she admits they ride a moped.
The best course of action is to blackout your house, adopt an alternate identity, and to sleep until dawn. If there’s nothing to steal in your mind, why would anyone break-in? (you know who you are) If this does not appeal to you, then hand out toothpaste or flyers for your church’s next social event. Generally, this makes the prospect of being in any way associated with you so dismal that not even Little Johnny would dare try. This is your only hope.